I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
