she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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