some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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