Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
