you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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