I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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