I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Randomize
