I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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