Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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