Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
