i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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