You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
