i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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