I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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