I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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