my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
