Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
