there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Another day, another engagement, another cat
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
