For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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