He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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