i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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