I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
