My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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