I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Randomize
