I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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