he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
