Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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