her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
