I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
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You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
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Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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