We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
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