i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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