Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
