we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize