oh god the rape fog is back!
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
