1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
