theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
the liver wants what the liver wants
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Floor bacon is actually really good
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
