question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
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I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
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Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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