dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
