she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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