Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
