If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
