I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I think we might need a safe word for this...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
