i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
