if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
im six kinds of drunk right now
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Dignity is for republicans.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Randomize
