I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
