My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
