i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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