Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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