remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
