If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
