I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
