fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
and she was petting her beer can
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You made out with two different species that night
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
