$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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