i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
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