you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize