and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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