you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Randomize
