There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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