At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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