Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
