i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
